Lordy, Lordy, are there any good men still left over 40?

By: Beverly Mahone

One of the beautiful things about growing older is we gain the benefit of wisdom. That, in turn, allows us to make smarter choices. As for me, I’m smart enough not to believe in love at first sight anymore. One reason being, I don’t see quite as well as I used to. I’m also smart enough to be more discriminating in my taste.

When I look back over my younger days, I realize I spent too much time craving the wrong men for all the right reasons. Can you relate? Think back for a moment. How many times did you ignore someone’s red flag warning because you were head over heals in love with the idea of being in love? Or worse yet, how many times did you mistake lust for love? How often did you justify or simply overlook his faults and irresponsible behavior because he was a smooth talker? Did you ever just settle for someone because you felt like you were pushing old maid status and all of your girlfriends were already married?

It’s safe to say if I knew then what I know now I would’ve definitely taken a different approach in my pursuit of finding Mr. Right. What about you? How much have your thoughts and feelings changed over the years about love and marriage? I made a checklist of things I was on the lookout for prior to hitting the middle age dating scene again so I could resolve any issues that could have an impact on my happily ever the second time around.

Compare my list to yours.

#1 Has he ever been married or divorced?

That’s important to know especially if you’ve been divorced like me. It’s been my experience that older people, who’ve been single for awhile, tend to develop a mind set and get used to doing things their own way because they don’t have to answer to anyone. The dating part of the relationship can be a lot of fun but when you decide to make that trip down the aisle and move into each other’s space, your living together could end up being cramped and uncomfortable. Some people should be prepared to face the hard core reality that they may be better off alone.

#2 What kind of baggage is coming into the relationship?

Dating at middle age can be challenging because all of us bring some baggage into each other’s lives. Some of us have packed so much stuff over the years from bad relationships that we could take a trip around the world twice. They say time heals all wounds. That may be true but you need to find out how old and deep those wounds are. In my case, I tried dating about six months after my divorce. It was someone I had known years ago and always wanted a second chance. But the wounds from my tumultuous marriage and divorce were still fresh. No matter how much I wanted the relationship to work, I couldn’t get past the anger and resentment. It caused me to slip into a deep depression and made being around me an unpleasant experience. That was my baggage. But thank God I unpacked my suitcase and threw that “junk” away.

#3 What about the ex and the kids?

Depending on how their relationship ended may determine how yours will start. If your partner experienced a lack of time, love, affection or adultery from his better half, you may need to give them time to re-group so you can get together on a level playing field. The truth of the matter is we are all products of our environments. The depth of emotions we have received throughout our lives will impact our behavior and interaction with others.
Then there are the children. Believe it or not, the relationship between their parents will have a direct impact on their interaction with you. If their parents ended their marriage angry and bitter, the child may, very well, express those same frustrations and attempt to hinder their parent’s future happiness. You may have to work a little harder to gain your future step child’s love and respect.

#4 What’s love got to do with it?

You have to be honest with yourself and ask what the purpose of a relationship is at this time in your life. Do you want to get married or just have companionship without attachment? Are you looking for someone to fulfill that “vacant” parental role in your child’s life? Do you fear growing old alone? Are you just looking for financial security? It's great to combine two incomes but it can be a disaster to combine loads of debt. I don’t advocate getting married to finance your old age. My mother once told me it’s better to be poor and happy than to be married and miserable.

#5 Character matters!

Years ago when I was actively pursuing a husband, I had one very important criteria. He had to come from good stock. By that I mean he had to have a gene pool that generated good looks and intelligence. Of course, I’ve since learned that he can be very handsome with an IQ that would put Einstein to shame, but if he doesn’t have character, he’s missing a key ingredient.

Today I date with a purpose. No, I’m not hanging out until the break of dawn anymore. I can barely stay up past 11pm. Age and wisdom have taught me how to weed out the imitation from the real thing and given me with an inner strength I never had before. Growing older has allowed me to gain a better understanding of what it is I really want.

The man I seek at this stage of my life is one who’s strong enough to deal with my strengths, yet, gentle enough to understand my emotional stress and strife. No, I don’t have to settle for whoever should come along because I know now I can make it on my own. I prefer not to grow old alone but I realize at this stage of my life that I don’t need a man to complete my existence.

God has provided me with the resources I need in order to survive.

Article Source: http://www.retirementlivingarticledirectory.com

Beverly Mahone is a veteran journalist, author and motivational speaker. She discusses middle age dating and marriage the second time around in her book, "Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age." The book is available on amazon.com and through her website. To learn more about Ms. Mahone, go to: www.talk2bev.com

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