How to Get Your Ex Back

By: Erik J. Michaels

If anyone ever told you it'd be easy to get your ex back, that someone was either misinformed or just lying to you. Building back up a relationship that's already come crumbling down once is anything but easy, but neither is it impossible. Most relationships can be rebuilt...but it can be tricky. You're dealing with somebody who knows you really well, who knows how you think and all your pickup tricks. It can be like trying to sneak up and catch a fly. If you really love your ex and are determined to get him or her back, you have a challenge ahead of you, but you can do it.

If a relationship ends, that's a pretty clear-cut sign that something wasn't quite right...if you want to resurrect what the two of you once had, you're going to have to make some pretty heavy changes and sacrifices. It's not going to be as simple as just buying her some flowers or wearing his favorite outfit...you're going to have to do some restructuring with who you are.

During a breakup, by all means do NOT start plaguing your ex with hundreds of phone calls and emails of apology. If you ever hope to have that person by your side again, the last thing you want to do is drive him or her further away, and that's just what that sort of overbearing "stalker" attention will do. Chances are good that after the breakup, your ex isn't going to want to talk to you much. Give the person some space, and a little time to pull himself or herself back together a bit. Once the right amount of time has passed, you can make contact again -- but make it simple.

In your first "reconnecting," your aim isn't to convince the person to get back together with you...it's still too early to broach that subject, so this time should be about seeing how the other person is doing. Odds are good that if the breakup is tearing you apart, it's not being too kind to your partner either. Be sympathetic and compassionate without trying to be a boyfriend/girlfriend again.

If you play your cards right and just be a friend to the person, it probably won't be long before you're spending a little bit of time together again. When it gets to this point, you're going to have to take different things into consideration depending on which half of the boyfriend/girlfriend situation you are.

For the girls, you'll want to make sure you're not being too emotional or clingy. Don't swamp the poor guy with talks of feelings and love and making things work. All you're going to do is scare him away. Instead, try to put him at ease a little bit. Do things you two used to enjoy doing together, it'll help him remember how being with you made him feel, and he may end up wanting to get back together a bit himself. Do what you can to just keep things smooth and friendly without being overbearingly romantic. Be the person he fell in love with, and let him see that the things that drove you apart have been addressed.

To the guys: women aren't from another planet in spite of the rumors, but they really are wired a little more emotionally-based. Girls need a guy who can fulfill their emotional needs in a relationship, so you have to be recognizable as the one who can do that. Be a listener, and truly listen to what she's saying. Watch for nonverbal cues as to how she feels about you. Chances are, she still loves you...you just have to be worthy of that love. Listen to her, don't put her in awkward situations, and let her see how much you've improved in the areas that caused the most trouble before.

The bottom line is, any relationship is a two-person job. Both people have needs, and your job is to make sure that your partner's needs are met. If you really think about it, you'll realize that not much is really asked of you, and a few changes to how you go about things or just doing a little self-work that's generally beneficial anyways will solve most relationship problems. It's just that getting back together after a fallout can be a fragile process, and you should go about it with as little pressure as possible.

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