Effects of Divorce - Guilt and Disappointment

By: Charlotte Kamman

When you get divorced, the last thing on your mind are the effects of divorce on the long term. You just want to get out as soon as possible, maybe you have another partner already, maybe you're just sick of it and have had enough. Even although my divorce was a pretty easy one, I only recently started to see what the long term effects of divorce are; not only on children, but also on adults. In this article I will focus on the effects of divorce on our own emotions, feelings, thoughts and effectiveness to create a happy and stable family life.

I always thought that I at least had not suffered a lot from the divorce. My daughter obviously misses her father, especially because he lives far away, but for me, I thought that I was over it altogether. Last week, however, I suddenly came upon a deep rooted feeling of guilt I discovered in myself. When I started to recognize the sensation in my body, I started sensing it more and more often, and I see that I am feeling guilty actually quite often.

Strange how those things function. I never thought that guilt was something important to me. I am pretty laid back, I accept myself pretty much just as I am, I did quite some work on the spiritual realm, I use EFT (emotional freedom technique, http://www.emofree.com) to combat disease, pain, and emotional lack of peace. And still, there it is. Guilt.

I feel it when I put my daughter on the school bus, I feel it when I hear her talk to her Dad on the phone, I feel it when I see the dishes piled up in the sink.

What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire... Am I feeling disappointed about myself?

Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I'm probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother...

Expectations lead to disappointment (Buddha)

Maybe our feelings of guilt are rooted in expectations as well. Sometimes it is other people who make us feel guilty, our partners and ex-partners are often very good at that. More often it is us who make ourselves feel guilty, by being disappointed in our own behavior and emotions. We often make comparisons between people: Jenny is smarter than Mark, Mark is more good-looking than Henry, Henry earns more money than Edward. In the same way, we compare ourselves with all these people, and we also compare ourselves and other to an ideal picture we have of 'how one should be'. These ideal pictures are often far from realistic, but we still use them, and we are constantly disappointed by the way people act and by the way we ourselves act, think and feel.

The way to get out of this Catch 22 is simple but not so easy. Especially when these hidden effects of divorce hit us, some of these believes can be very deeply rooted in our heart and head. The first step is to localize the feeling as it manifests itself in our body. As soon as we know which body sensation is pointing to the emotion of guilt and disappointment, we have to start being aware of it. After some practice, we start to realize what is happening every time we feel the sensation.

Step two: Accept ourselves as we are. I know, it sounds easy, and it is more like a road to go, instead of one step. But every journey starts with one step, so take it today. Forgive yourself the mistakes you make, promise yourself that you will learn from them. Accept that you have made mistakes in the past, mostly because you did not know back then, what you know now. Be patient with yourself, and don't judge your past.

Step three. Forgive others too. You have to forgive yourself first, before you can start forgiving others, so this is the order of things. You will be amazed how much friendlier the world looks if you start to be a forgiving person...

The concluding step four: So I forgive myself and others, which means I have better relationships, and much less stress. This means I do not make the mistakes I made before due to stress, and I have less reason to feel guilty and disappointed.

Article Source: http://www.retirementlivingarticledirectory.com

Charlotte Kamman helps blended families to be great as a happy, healthy, safe base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often nasty, and yet many people do not expect them to hit so hard. Instead of blaming the children, start making the chance to need now!

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